Who was it that ever said, "Do you remember those 'Conan the Barbarian' movies from the early '80s? The ones with Schwarzenegger? No, no... before 'Red Heat.' I really hope they remake that movie. I would go to that." Well, as it turns out, that one person has now had their wish fulfilled. Will anyone other than that one person be happy while sitting through 'Conan the Barbarian'? As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Conan the Barbarian.
Q: How does Conan the Barbarian begin?
A: With a voiceover by Morgan Freeman.
Q: Ha, ha. Sure. No, really, how does 'Conan the Barbarian' begin?
A: It actually does begin with the sound of Freeman's iconic yet noticeably reserved -- in a "where do I pick up my paycheck?" type way -- voice.
Q: What is Morgan Freeman's greatest performance?
A: I know the man has won an Oscar, but, to date, his greatest performance is this sneeze on 'The Electric Company.'
Q: What does Morgan Freeman tell us in his voiceover?
A: Something about a magic mask that turns the wearer into a very powerful person. And that mask was divided into multiple parts to prevent someone from becoming powerful.
Q: When do we first meet Conan?
A: We meet Conan still in the womb. The woman he is living inside at the time is fairly inexplicably doing battle with a man holding a sword.
Q: So how is Conan born?
A: Conan is born prematurely as a result of "sword to the womb."
Q: Who then raises Conan?
A: Conan's father, Corin (Ron Pearlman), raises Conan while also leading his people, the Cimmerians.
Q: Does Corin teach Conan to be a great warrior?
A: Pre-teen Conan participates in a race, against much older competition, in which the winner has to finish first and keep an unbroken egg in his mouth. During this race, Conan is ambushed by some sort of tribe of rival warriors. A tribe of rival warriors who don't stand a chance because none of their names are in the title of the movie that we are watching.
Q: Wait, wasn't there something about a mask?
A: Oh, yeah... as it turns out, Corin has a the final piece of the mask that an evil man named Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) needs to complete his set of mask pieces. In his quest for this complete set, Khalar kills everyone in the village except for Conan because, again, his name is in the title of the movie.
Q: So now, with the complete mask, Khalar is all-powerful?
A: You would think! But, alas, no. For the mask to work, Khalar and his daughter, Marique, (Rose McGowan) need to find a live virgin... or maybe it was a live chicken? No, wait, it was something about pureblooded descendant from someone who was once important for some reason or another. Regardless, that person turns out to be Tamara played by Rachel Nichols.
Q: The ESPN reporter?
A: No, that is a completely different Rachel Nichols.
Q: How many times have you written "Conan O'Bri" before having to hit your delete button five times, then retype "the Barbarian" so far in this piece?
A: Three.
Q: What kind of accent does Jason Momoa's Conan have?
A: Midwestern? There certainly is no attempt by Momoa to change his dialect to anything other than what he most likely picked up while living in Iowa. Put it this way: Conan the Barbarian would have done very well in last week's Republican straw poll.
Q: How many people are killed during 'Conan the Barbarian'?
A: I counted 113.
Q: What was the most ingenious way to kill someone during 'Conan the Barbarian'?
A: A captain who runs a prison is captured by Conan. Conan promises the captain that he will not die by the hands of Conan. Conan forces the captain to swallow the prison keys, then Conan tells the prisoners that the keys to their freedom is in the captain's stomach. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'd be more pissed off about this if I were the captain or a prisoner who is going to have to touch a very gross set of keys.
Q: In 'Conan the Barbarian,' how many people die by being shot as a human catapult?
A: One.
Q: What's the most surprising appendage that is sliced off during 'Conan the Barbarian'?
A: A nose.
Q: What's the most surprising thing you learned about the world that 'Conan the Barbarian' lives in?
A: That every resident of the world that Conan lives in either has terrible, terrible teeth or perfect teeth. There is no in-between. Apparently if you have a dental plan on this world, it is quite comprehensive.
Q: What's the most disturbing thing about 'Conan the Barbarian.'
A: The somewhat incestual relationship between Khalar and his daughter, Marique.
Q: Did you enjoy 'Conan the Barbarian'?
A: Honestly, I enjoyed 'Conan the Barbarian' slightly more than I thought that I would -- but that means absolutely nothing. This is the equivalent of me saying, "You know, I really wasn't looking forward to that appendectomy, but I was out of the hospital in three days instead of four and I don't feel the pain because of all of the Vicodin I'm currently taking." So, please, do not read too much into that statement.
Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for 'Conan the Barbarian,' what quote do you think will be used?
A: "Honestly, I enjoyed 'Conan the Barbarian'!" Mike Ryan, Moviefone
Q: Should I see 'Conan the Barbarian'?
A: Oh, for heaven's sake, no.
Q: What was wrong with 'Conan the Barbarian'?
A: It's just unnecessary and brings less life and fun to the proceedings than the two prior films. If you need to see 'Conan the Barbarian' in action, watch the original Schwarzenegger version or even 'Conan the Destroyer.'
Q: Wait, is this the movie that features a young CGI version of Arnold Schwarzenegger?
A: No. You're thinking of 'Terminator: Salvation.'
Q: Seriously, Morgan Freeman really does the voiceover? I mean, really?
A: Yes.
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